so i figured, if i hide this, eventually everything will be okay. but is okay really enough? that is my single doubt in all this because it’s hard to say all or nothing. but it’s just as hard to go through it everyday and have something so close yet so far. that doesn’t even begin to account for the pain of the whole what you want is right in front of you but you can’t have it. i’m just not sure i’m strong enough to deal with that right now. i’m exhausted by the thought of school. i get tired too easily and that has basically taken it’s toll on me as a person. i feel it in those moments where everything blanks out and i have absolutely nothing to say. one of my greatest fears is that this ideal that i aim for is the complete opposite of what i truly am. there’s no changing that, it sucks. i’m pretty much done running away and losing friends. from now on, these friends that i have in my life i am going to try my best to keep because it tears me apart thinking about all those people that i have drifted from. everything is not okay. in fact, i have terrible difficulty keeping a smile on my face anymore - even when i am happy. even when i am happy i can not smile. tell me that there is not something wrong in that. anyway, all or nothing - i’m not good with these kinds of decisions.
“What do you expect me to do? You want me to sit in my room crying with empty tissue boxes all over the floor, you want to see me a mess? That’s not what you meant to do? Well congratulations asshole, you did it.
3 months later..
Miss me? Good. Look at what you had, look at what you lost. Honestly, I’m still a mess. Time to time, I still think about you. But I hide it, I don’t show that part of me that only you could break. I really have grown and I have you to thank for that. Does it look like I’m doing well? Bullshit aside, I am. I got my life together, I have more important things to think about than you.”
I guess it’s all about taking that first step. You have absolutely no idea where you’re going and the future looks so intimidating. But once you muster up the courage to take that first step, you don’t really look back. The best feeling is when you realize how each step away is easier to take than the last. I promise you after a while, the fog does clear. You might just end up seeing blank slate and you find yourself lost for miles. It’s pretty scary to be in a place you know nothing about. But being lost is better than being broken. Exhausted, you take ten absolutely meaningless steps and look around. You will find that when you least expect it, everything falls right into place.
im just going to stay real busy and not deal with this shit ok? im sorry, i cant do this to myself anymore.
the late nights really get me thinking. “find beauty in the attempt” im kind of obsessed with the fray and jayesslee
some days you are great but other days, i don’t know if you even want me in your life. now just isn’t a good time for things to get so complicated. some consistency would be nice.
black and white. you took me by surprise that something that simply sat in the middle of the room could look so elegant. often times, you are seen as great for all the wrong reasons. perhaps, there’s more to your intentions than people see. you are far too over rated as to who plays you. those things do not matter one bit. when someone puts the care and effort into being with you, they are returned with double. even the simplest of words you speak, the smallest of actions you make provide comfort and warmth to those around it. it is unfortunate how misunderstood you are to those that can’t find a reason to appreciate something so genuine. your heart strings are not a toy and your keys were never meant to be banged or smashed. yet, you stand firmly trusting every person that sits by and plays you. but i love you most because you are always there, waiting for me at the end of the day. you listen no matter what time of day it is, even if i had neglected you for weeks and weeks. as i let my emotions flow from my fingers to yours, i am left mesmerized that you understand me even when i don’t understand myself. we may not be the best of friends but when i get the chance to spend time with you, i find myself stuck in your presence for hours on end. because on the foggiest of days, you make everything crystal clear. and when life gets to be so plain and bland, you give color to my world.
I thought everyday, this was all I strived for. I just wanted to be happy. I wanted to make others happy because that’s what makes me happy. But at the moment, I don’t even know what that is anymore. I’m conflicted wondering if this happiness I crave is simply selfish and pure greed. I can’t live for something like that. I really don’t know what I want at the moment. I’m scared that everything I do goes against everything I live by. A statement like that is more extreme than it sounds really. I can’t stand the idea of being a hypocrite. And to find out that I am one in everything I do, makes it purely unimaginable. Maybe this is happiness though. Maybe my expectations are ridiculously high and nothing in the world will keep me in a state where I can say “I am happy.” but why would I want to live like that? What’s the point if I will never get to where I want to be? Maybe I’m becoming a pessimist. Show me what I’m looking for.
The past two years have been hell. At least, that’s what I had been believing for the past two years. Comparing the years before to now, I didn’t understand what made it so easy back then. That’s the thing, it’s okay to visit the past every now and then but you can’t stay there forever. Everything changed when my thoughts crossed paths with a new mindset. Perspective: the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance.
It’s pretty easy for me to change my attitude on things. As I got to know my new found perspective, I discovered that I wasn’t so bitter. I learned to let go and move on. It was quite simple to begin with, I would go through the day telling myself I was happy, telling myself to smile. I suppose at the end of the day, I caught myself smiling for no apparent reason and things were better. But really, this was only the beginning.
There’s a bright side to everything. When there isn’t, cry. Cry and eat chocolate, go watch your favorite movie again, sit under the stars and destroy your mind with the feeling of hopelessness. Wait, did you eat chocolate just now? I guess there is a bright side to everything, however materialistic. It’s okay to be sad sometimes too, but you can’t get stuck being sad. If anything, learn what there is to be learned, and leave a wiser and stronger person. People have become so oblivious to the bright side, their perspective unconsciously transfixed on the negative.
No doubt, it’s tough to keep up such a perspective on life. It’s tiring to continuously tell yourself “it will be okay” or “things will get better”, but it’s worth it. But despite how difficult it may be, I want to show people they always have a reason to smile. I guess, that’s why I started talking to ____. Is it not the saddest thing for someone to hurt so much at such a young age? I want him to see the great things around him. I want him to see how much his friends love him even when his parents don’t. I want him to eat and actually enjoy the food. I want to show him the amazing side of life that he haven’t seen yet.
I feel so lucky to have come across a new way of thinking, of seeing the world. It’s a gift, to see everything beautiful, especially when most don’t get to. Am I selfish for clinging onto this or does it make me a good person for wanting to share this perspective with others? So this is where I am now. This perspective has taught me to take things as they are, knowing that life will go on for better or for worse. Bad things are going to happen, regardless of who you are, but what separates the good from the great is the ability to take the bad and make them positives. Your attitude toward life changes everything.
but i’m sick of the “i’m used to it”.
the sky turned blue, an elegant yet intimidating blue that seemed to stretch for miles, you could have drowned your imagination in such a beauty. i stared, bewildered at how the stars shone brighter amongst such a frightening landscape. how can you not be afraid to stand out amongst nothing? greatest of all, was the moon that screamed a call so desperate but came with no response. suddenly, the night fell into a ghastly set of purple and the stars too, began to cry. the world stood in silence.
She was a lost secret. Well, maybe that’s not the best way to put it. She was lost, but she was also a secret. She was probably better off lost though. Only fifteen, I don’t think she would like knowing where her place was. She was incredible too. You know that cave down by the park? Why am I even asking.. You wouldn’t know. My friends and I are the only ones that know about it. Anyway, if I had to give that breathtaking little hangout a name, it would be hers. There is so much more to her than people see, I’m sure of it. I had seen her be that person that intrigued my mind and captivated my heart. The thing is, I didn’t know what was worse- knowing she could be a person of such charm and watching her be someone else, or knowing that she was being someone else on purpose. But seeing her in that desert sun with her timid smile and hazel hair gently blowing across her face, it was beautifully tragic.
Let’s say I was a unicorn, that’s what you would always call me. If that was the case, she would have been that old lady always sitting by the lake. From the right angle, you could see our similarities. We were both contradictions. Most would say hypocrites but that has such a negative connotation to it and today was a sunny day- think positive. Contradictions. I did things that I hated other people for doing. As for her, she hung around people she didn’t even like. Sort of goes along with how there were constantly cat showdowns at that lake. We could pass hours doing “nothing” or laugh about stupid things that really weren’t all that funny. Heck, we came up with the cheesiest pick up lines just to gross each other out. Yet despite being alike in countless ways, we were more opposing than faith and science. Our morals pushed away from each other since the first day. I held the people in my life close to me while she resisted their affection in every way possible. Her voice roared my name through the silky camellia but mine barely hushed through the silence of a haunted barn. She liked skittles. I knew M&M’s were better. She was outspoken and eloquent. I struggled finding the right words to say “how are you”. Her presence brought crimson, lavender, and fuschia to my white canvas. And by chance, a woman that believed in nothing but her own faith found a way to get along with me.
you told me i took these things too seriously so here’s me not giving a fuck. how do you like that bitch?
